Monthly Archives: April 2012

The Genius Who Plays the Fool

Boris Johnson has a “cacoethes loquendi”. That translates, from Latin in case you were wondering, as “a bad habit for compulsive talking”.  Clever huh? I’m fluent in Latin you see. Oh wait, I’m lying, but Boris on the other hand really is very good at it: he has a Classics degree from Oxford.

Repetition it seems is a hallmark of this Mayoral election, and Boris is in this case guilty for his frequent but always irrelevant, references to classical mythology.

In the past four years it would be fair to say that Mr Johnson has persevered to actively contradict his admirable intelligence, by playing quite the bumbling fool.  This utterly fake persona has surely been used to win over a foolish young generation who simply “Vote for Boris cos he’s a lad”, regrettably failing to acknowledge the fact that he is in fact a thinly veiled posh-boy.

<Outburst over>

You Should Vote For Him If:

1. –You’re a Selfish Sod Who Would Rather Pay Less Tax (And Watch Public Services Disappear As A Result)- so far he’s bravely pledged to reduce the Mayoral share of council ax by 10%. Simple economics suggests something will have to go.

2.-You Wish To Become Homeless-as London faces a housing crisis poor old Boris hasn’t yet heard it would seem. “55 000 new houses” as part of a “true Olympics legacy”. Well by 2031 it’s calculated we’ll need an extra 750 000…

3.-You Enjoy Topping Up Your Oyster Card – for despite his best efforts to deride Ken’s appealing fare cuts, Boris himself seems a little quiet on the issue. Telling perhaps is the distinct absence of the key issue of fares, from his “Nine Point Plan.” Woops. Or maybe he’s simply trying to avoid the issue so that he’ll get re-elected and continue to make PUBLIC transport UNAFFORDABLE.

4.-You Like Trees, But Not On The Same Level As Mr Paddick – credit where credit’s due BoJo. It might only be a fraction (1%) to be precise of Mr Paddick’s 2 million tree figure, but to be fair, out of all your policies it seems the most realistic. And boring.

5.-You Want “A Better Deal From Number 10” – surely this core selling point is flawed. What’s the point of this election if we should only vote for the candidate from the ruling party? Democratic? No.

Awkward Memory:

I could literally go on for ever. Seriously. Mr Johnson’s got a more chequered past than most: affairs, countless un-politically correct outbursts, and most recently a rather ugly and seemingly unprovoked tirade of foul language when being interviewed for BBC London.

However, perhaps most damning, was his referral a few years ago to his £250 000 a year salary from the Daily Telegraph, as mere “chicken feed”. Insensitive in the context of a recession it would seem…

Verdict:

Much to my personal dismay, I fear that Boris might just pip this one and I fear London will have to endure this irritating individual’s façade of idiocy for another four years. Convinced by the frankly unconvincing Conservative argument for the need for austerity, and as a knee jerk reaction to vote for Boris simply because he’s a funny guy, I fear that he might yet perform a remarkable feat. Despite his own party’s miserable polling stats of late, Boris will take this one to the wire, and I admit it: that’s impressive.

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One Trick Pony Full Of Typical Lib-Dem Baloney

Brian, Brian, Brian. A bit of repetition there, huh? Not as bad as his manifesto though I guess, what with his seemingly constant focus on policing. If the Green Party (environmental issues) and the BNP (bigotry, racism) were seen as one issue parties, as a candidate he’s surely a competitor for most one dimensional candidate…

Well aside from merely voting for him for his apparent ‘super-cop’ crime busting skills and policies,

You should vote for him if:

  1. You’re a social liberal-he’s the only openly homosexual candidate in the race to be Mayor and has openly supported the redefinition of marriage to include same-sex couples, and is perhaps one of the less likely people to come out with something like Ken Livingstone’s “Jews won’t vote for me because their rich” gaffes.
  2. You want lots of affordable housing-he plans to build 360 000 new affordable homes in the London area over the next decade if elected. Someone’s forgot to tell him the countries broke and George Osborne is tighter than scrooge.
  3. You like trees– surely one of the more unusual proposals made in this election, Mr Paddick plans to plant 2 million trees by 2025. Yes you read it right, 2 million.

Awkward Memory:

His appearance on “I’m A Celebrity” in 2008, quite the epitome of a celebrity, not politician, desperately trying to grab a last few moment of fame until the next election (now).

Verdict:

Distant outsider who’ll do well to match last Mayoral elections tally of 9.8%, whilst not in the slightest helped by his party’s fall from grace: once the respectable voice of social conscience and forward thinking, now reduced to mere lapdog of Mr Cameron and co. Yes you’ve been a policeman Brian. Well done. Now try and think outside the box, or better still, go away.

World Exclusive: The Real Story Behind Ms May’s Deporation Diary ‘Mis-hap’ Fiasco

Abu Qatada: What A Palava! : Government in “Olympic-standard screw up”, Or Maybe Not…

Ok, the main news story of the past week has been that of the controversial cleric Abu Qatada and his apparently botched deportation to Jordan. The Home Secretary Theresa May has been widely implicated in the alleged muddling of dates which saw Qatada stay another day (or year), with Miss May playing quite the fall guy, or should that be girl, amidst a media furore.

However, let’s step back a moment from this media bombardment and contextualise the situation for a minute….I have my own little theory:

With the Olympics less than 100 days away and with Al-Shabaab and Al-Qaeda threatening to blow London to smithereens if Mr Qatada is deported, the government is desperately trying to avoid trouble. We wouldn’t want the threat, or even worse occurrence, of terrorist activity to tarnish the great festivities that we’ll be spending the rest of the century paying off, and so this whole affair is borne out of a rather sensible strategy:

Brush the Abu Qatada Problem Under The Carpet, So As To Avert Any Sort of Party Pooping Come July 25th And When London Is Centre Stage

A bit of a kick in the teeth to the Tories who made it a key pledge when elected to take a hard line against perceived ‘hate-figures’, David Cameron will no doubt be more than a tad annoyed at the unhelpful timing of the European Court’s decision to finally allow Qatada’s deportation. For, as mentioned, the government is not complacent of the threat posed to our games and will endeavour, as indeed they should, to protect the festivities from attack. Short of a dramatic U-Turn which would no-doubt give away the aforementioned truth behind the new strategy, the Tories have found a typically noble excuse: blame one of the few women in government and a diary mishap.

Personally, I don’t know why on earth he’d want to stay here..oh wait it’s either crappy, rainy North London or ‘justice’ Jordanian style. Tough choice: threat of getting mugged by a group of hooded youths, or certainty of death by a hooded executioner (Jordan, in case you were unsure). Well, it seems London isn’t so bad after all…

So, never mind the Olympics this summer, what I’ll be looking forward to spectating, is how on earth the government tries to ‘run down the clock’. That is, how the government will continue to explain this controversial figure’s continued residence until late September, when the Olympics have passed safe and sound and London’s profile and ego has been given a timely boost. They face an ‘Olympic’ task!

Sorry, that pun was terrible.

To conclude: if they’re resorting to unlikely stories of a certain Mrs May getting the dates wrong in mid-April, just what will the excuse be for this man’s continued presence in the UK come August?

Ken In Topless Page 3 Scandal as Boris Continues To ‘Charm’ *sick face*

Poor Ken. Pictured ‘slipping’ whilst putting out the rubbish, his unflattering bare-chested not so Putin-esque pose surely lost him another couple of votes. Meanwhile bumbling buffoon Boris continues his marked improvement in the polls as an increasing number of voters now have elected to vote for him due to his alleged ‘charm’. What charm? A patronising somehow corrupted RP, Eton-fostered accent, more reminiscent of the Tories of the last century? Well whatever it is ”seems to be doing the trick. It’s a damned shame no-one has told Ken to alter his admittedly irritating nargy voice. Is nargy a word?

Alas I digress. The big story of the past week – regarding the London Mayoral Election, that is – is the issue of homosexuality and bus advertisments. One thing that is for sure is that for once, among all their candidates their seems to be a consensus: rather insensitive ‘gay cure’ adds by a group of evangelical Christians should not be allowed to don the buses of London. Yes, I agree that they are distasteful and indeed I support the move to block their appearances for I am no homophobe…

Nevertheless, it seems a tad disappointing surely, that none of the candidates even appeared to support the call for discussion on the issue in regards to the fact that Stonewall (a gay rights group) are, with support, putting equally potentially divisive ads on London’s buses. I, have to admit that the precedent of blocking one groups views, whilst allowing the polar opposite of them full publicity on a 1000 buses seems to be setting a thoroughly undemocratic precedent and even if we perceive it acceptable in this instance, a conversation is needed.

Come on guys, *sorry the two fringe women candidates too… Let’s address deeper issues like freedom of speech instead of merely personal disputes over dodgy taxes which are beginning to bore the electorate. Oh, but let’s discuss London first and refocus the debate on Londoner’s ahead of personal taxes. Tube fares might not be the most inspiring subject to argue about, but it’s a tad more relevant!